Many of my friends and acquaintances work in metropolitan areas. They have side jobs while working full time and attend conferences and events on their days off. Seeing them also make time for hobbies and friendships, it seems as though both their work and personal lives are fulfilling.
Meanwhile, I live with my family and work as a staff member at a local university. I take pride in my work, and this area is not an unpleasant place to live. Even so, whenever I hear about the lives of those around me, I feel as though I am the only one staying in the same place.
Is life in a metropolitan area really what I envy?
Everyone Around Me Seems to Be Moving Forward
When I see how my friends work and spend their days off, I feel as though they are moving through life at a different pace from me. They move to new jobs, pursue activities outside work, and meet more people through them. The way one experience leads to the next opportunity looks all the more dazzling from a distance.
Of course, I see only part of their lives. The burdens of living in a metropolitan area and their struggles with work and relationships are difficult to see from the outside. I know that I am comparing lives under different conditions.
Still, I cannot stop comparing myself with them. Each comparison reveals more than differences in accomplishments or income. It makes my friends seem as though they have more choices than I do.
I Fear an Unchanging Future More Than the Present
It is not that I dislike my current life. Living with my family gives me a sense of security, and I can work in a familiar area. I also take pride in my work as a university staff member.
However, I have little room in my budget for everyday life, and even traveling outside the prefecture requires me to consider transportation and accommodation costs. When I think about my family and my future life, it is difficult to spend the money I have without hesitation. None of these circumstances will ruin my life today, but as they add up, they make it seem as though the same life will continue indefinitely.
The present is not the only thing that frightens me. I fear a future in which I am still living the same way in the same place several years from now while my choices only grow fewer.
Even if my income were the same as it is now, I would feel differently if I believed that in a few years I could apply for another job, travel outside the prefecture several times a year, or live on my own if necessary. I think what makes this so painful is that I cannot see a way out of my present situation.
The Distance to Information and the Distance to Opportunity
Even in a rural area, I can find new information through the internet. I can view conference materials and presentation videos from home. If all I need is access to information, regional differences are small.
Opportunities to meet people, however, are still separated by distance. An event that someone working in a metropolitan area can attend for free after work requires transportation and accommodation costs when traveling from a rural area. If it begins on a weekday evening, I may not be able to attend at all.
This is not a difference that effort alone can overcome. It is not that I lack opportunities because I fail to act; the time and money required for the same action vary depending on where a person lives.
That is why I feel a little discouraged whenever I see an event announcement. It is not only because the event looks enjoyable, but because I feel as though I have no way to reach it.
What I Want Is Not a City but the Ability to Choose
Would moving to Tokyo make me satisfied? I cannot say that it would. I do not want to abandon my current job or this area, and life in a city brings other burdens.
What I envy is that attending an event after work, meeting new people, taking on a side job, or changing jobs all seem to lie within the natural course of everyday life. Rather than a place in a metropolitan area, I think what I want is a situation in which I do not have to give up before I even try to choose something.
I am here because I like where I live. I am here because I cannot leave where I live.
From the outside, both situations look the same: I am living in the same place. Their meanings, however, are completely different. If I could choose my current life while knowing that other paths were available, I would probably feel differently about the same daily routine.
What Comes Before a Major Decision
Until now, I have tended to see only two choices: remain in my hometown or move to a metropolitan area. But changing not only my job but also where I live all at once is a major decision. It is not an easy choice while I am worried about money and the future.
There are still things I can change before making such a major decision. Before moving away, I might be able to travel outside the prefecture just once. Even if I cannot do it every time, I might be able to choose one event that I truly want to attend.
That, however, also costs money. If I only decide where I want to go, the money for it will end up taking a back seat to daily expenses, just as it has before.
Money for Going Beyond My Usual Surroundings
First, I will try setting aside money for traveling outside the prefecture, separate from the money I use for everyday life. I may not be able to save a fixed amount every month. In months when money is tight, I may have nothing left to set aside.
Even so, as long as I tell myself that I will go if there is money left over, opportunities to leave the prefecture will always come after everyday expenses. More than the size of the amount, what matters is earmarking some money for a future plan that I have not yet decided on.
If I use all of my income each month just to live, there is no money to set aside in the first place.
Setting money aside does not solve the problem of income. If I find that I have no room to spare, perhaps I need to think about my income or how I work rather than about saving more. Even if I can do it only in months when I have some room, I want to set money aside first and stop waiting to do something only if there happens to be money left over.
Choices and Hope
I still cannot believe that the future will get better. I have not decided whether I will be able to change jobs, leave my family home, or continue living in this area.
For me, hope does not mean having nothing to worry about. Hope may be the feeling that I can still choose a path different from the one I am on now.
Even if I continue living the same life in the same place, there are still other paths I can choose. If I can believe that, the place where I live will change from somewhere I cannot leave into somewhere I am choosing to stay.
To keep that feeling alive, I want to create small choices for myself, one by one.